Top Or Bottom

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Legkết thúc would have sầu you believe sầu that once you’ve sầu earned your gay card, a Harry Potter–lượt thích ceremony occurs where, instead of the Sorting Hat, a giant magical butt plug divides all gay men inlớn two houses: tops or bottoms.

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This is clearly not the case, especially for those people who consider themselves versatile (HIYA). But often, penetrative sex can feel divided inkhổng lồ rigid binaries that make being a top or a bottom seem lượt thích a cult you’ve signed up khổng lồ for life, & one that you have sầu lớn declare as soon as two (or more) consenting men decide khổng lồ take their clothes off and rub up against each other. These two subdivisions have their own rules, stereotypes, and in-jokes, and can sometimes seem as if they’re at war with each other, rather than both working together for mutual sexual pleasure.

All of this can make trying different things daunting, especially if you’re a baby gay venturing into lớn this world for the first time. But it ought not to be impossible lớn sexually switch things up. Sure, people have sầu a preference, but now could be the perfect time to escape the top or bottom prison you live sầu in. So, with the help of some experts, let’s take a moment lớn dismantle what you think you know about topping và bottoming. It could open up a world of possibilities.


Human beings are very good at trying something once và deciding indefinitely that we don’t like it. In the case of anal sex, this is usually because of an experience from when we were young & hadn’t quite realized the importance of lube (USE LOTS OF LUBE). So how vày you go about testing new waters?


“I believe in what I Hotline taking your erotic temperature,” explains Woody Miller, the author of the books How to Bottom Like a Porn Star & How to lớn Top Like a Stud, “which is basically having a conversation with yourself about what it is you like.”


Miller argues that gay men should examine their relationship with power. Where vì chưng you align when it comes to being dominant or submissive? One way lớn question this, he posits, is to approach something other than penetrative sex.


“Look at kissing,” he says. “If you initiated the kiss, you're the dominant one. If you received the kiss, you're the submissive one. There is no aspect of sex that doesn't have, at its core, an aspect of power. So part of the thing that you have to ask yourself is, 'What am I comfortable with? Do I lượt thích initiating sex? Do I lượt thích telling my partner what to lớn vì, or vì chưng I lượt thích being told what to do?’ ”


What’s important is that there might not be a right or wrong answer to this. You might lượt thích taking your car for a service just as much as servicing it yourself. That’s part of the fun, right?


Clearly, if you’ve sầu tried topping và bottoming a few times & figured out which of them is for you, that’s great. But I believe that many gay men pichồng one side, stick lớn it, và that some of those individuals choose topping—you’ll have sầu seen their profiles marking them as “masc dom tops” on the apps—because of its ties to lớn traditional masculinity.

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As Miller explains, there are outside forces that, dating bachồng lớn the ancient Greeks, have prevented gay men from truly digging into what sexual behaviors we might actually enjoy. “What I mean by that,” he says, “is that cultural forces within the gay community prize topping over bottoming.”


The ongoing fetishization of masculinity means that the traditionally submissive role of the bottom is associated with effeminacy. “With bottoming there is the perception that you're giving up your masculinity because receiving a penis is something that women do,” Miller adds.

Dr. Chris White, an expert in health promotion and the director & principal investigator of the Safe and Supportive sầu Schools Project at the Gay-Straight Alliance Network in San Francisteo, takes this one step further. “If you're a bottom, you’re sometimes seen as a slut,” he says. “You don't ever hear tops being called sluts, just bottoms. So there's some shaming there. And it's feminine type shaming, as well. Not only are you saying that it's more masculine lớn be a top, but you're saying that you should be ashamed lớn be a bottom.”

Basically, it could be time to lớn seriously kiểm tra yourself và ask exactly why you don’t like bottoming (or topping, TBH). If you believe that topping is preferable because it doesn’t threaten your masculinity, then have sầu a strong word with yourself. Similarly, if you’re a bottom-only queen, ask yourself why. Not getting fucked doesn’t make you any less gay.


Let’s điện thoại tư vấn bullshit on the concept that if two people are tops they’re incompatible, because the positions that you enjoy don’t define who you are. “I think that's part of the problem. We've literally made identities out of sexual positions,” Miller says. “It’s a sexual thought prison.”

Of course, if someone knows that they only really enjoy one aspect of penetration, then let’s not discount that. But as with everything sexual, these things are usually on a spectrum that is often contextual. “It can change depending on where you are in your life, how old you are, how fit you're feeling, và what you're in the mood for,” White says. “If you think about people's everyday behaviors, I don't know if there's a difference between someone who acts or comes across as more masculine and the role that they play in sex. We lượt thích lớn pretkết thúc that there are, but they're not necessarily true.”


Sure, declaring a preference if you’re on the hunt for a quickie will save sầu time and energy, but don’t get all caught up in labels. There’s really not an eternal sparkling scarlet letter marking you with a “T” or a “B.”


According to lớn a 2011 study by The Journal of Sexual Medicine that surveyed 25,000 gay men in America about their last sexual encounters, only 36 percent said they had bottomed & 34 percent said they had topped.

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So, in reality, we’re not actually fucking all that much. It makes turning someone down if they don’t match your preference, especially if it’s just for a one-off, even more preposterous. “We seem lớn place more psychological importance on anal sex than physical importance, because we're not doing it that often,” Miller says. “So why are we making such a big giảm giá khuyến mãi out of it?”


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